I call myself a very good critic. I recently said to someone, “Hey, I read your post, it was good and trust me I know how to judge cause I am a writer”. Yes, I believe in it.
But somehow, I am not able to say anything to the world.
For days now, I open up my WordPress dashboard and try adding a new post. But I stumble.
Tragedy is, it’s not that I don’t want to write. I really want to say something to the world. Something on Emma Watson’s speech on HeForShe, something on how people perceive ISRO’s success as their own due to the fact that they belong from the same country, something about Paulo Coelho’s latest work “Adultery” and something above all of this: “Life”.
Everything flashes. That’s the problem. There is no constant thought in my mind.
I have come home, to my family. I was working in Bangalore and just shifted to Delhi this week. I had the excellent opportunity to be with my relatives, so good that I call that my home as well. They were always family but after spending few months, I got the feeling of togetherness. Also, I got friends in office. Very few very good friends, but people who still ask me to come back. That reminds, I also want to say something about shifting from Bangalore to Delhi.
Now, these thoughts are taking over me. Not while I am working. Not while I am spending time at home or having a conversation with my friends or colleagues. Precisely, not while I am with someone or doing something on my own.
But these thoughts about everything persist in those minuscule infinite moments. So many in a day from while brushing my teeth to traveling in metro. And newsflash:
I don’t know what to do about it!
And while doing this I figure out that sometimes, the best thing to do is the most difficult thing you can possibly do. And the most difficult thing you can possibly do is the thing you aren’t able to do.
For me, right now, I am undergoing a kind of writer’s block.
A kind on its own, cause it’s totally different from not having anything to write. I just can’t prioritize what to write about and how much to write. I would always prefer knowing more about something before writing about it.
Alas, it can’t happen. Knowledge doesn’t have a finish line.
Yes, I will say something about everything I have in mind. But first and foremost, it is essential to understand and admit that I’m in a state of confusion. Confused about everything. Career, project, company, friends, crushes, and most importantly ‘myself’.
So this is my path of exploring myself. Ironically, I speak to others to know myself. I don’t ask them how they would describe me (oh, but to a few close ones I actually do!) – I just ponder over my responses in the conversation.
And today, I get to know a bit of myself after writing this. I get to know my approach.
And I end up question myself: “Didn’t you know yourself before?”
Of course I did.
I still know who I was before.
Then what’s the problem?
The fact is, we all change.
And we need to explore ourselves every now and then. At least after major transformations.
For me, this was transforming from a student to an employee. I aced as the former but have self-doubts as the latter. Most of us do!
So yes, this is my first step.
Let’s see how my travel goes in the path of self-discovery. 🙂